Unsolicited Condescending Advice for Millennials

I’ve read article after article of pithy platitudes directed at 20-somethings lately and I finally fit all that brilliant advice into my thick millennial skull. I’ve decided to make a some cliff’s notes not just for me but for everyone else who didn’t ask for it. I know that there are millions of blog posts out there that have distilled the “millennials” down to a trite list of unflattering personality traits that certainly apply to every person born between 1984 and 1998. However, I have a truly unique take on it and I’m here to shove it down your throat.

Put down your phone for two seconds and listen

Know your Weaknesses

If you’re between the ages of 20 and 29, then you’re an entitled brat who had everything handed to them and never had to work for anything in your life. You’re lazy and you check out facebook more often than you check out a library book. Now you know this because someone older told you, and knowing is half the battle.

Never don’t work

If you ever want to have a fulfilling life, you need to never stop working, ever. Remember, every minute you spend having hobbies or talking with your dumb friends is a minute you could spend cultivating superficial business relationships. These defined benefit pensions aren’t going to pay for themselves and I don’t know about you, but I want to die with a smile on my face clutching a graph of America’s GDP per capita.

Generalize

The world is a vast and nuanced place, which is all the more evident now with social media enabling meaningful connections with real people across the globe. This is terrifying. You have to shove massive groups of people into tiny manageable boxes labeled with catchy adjectives or you will be overwhelmed. Beware, if you do this with groups of people based on ethnicity they’ll call you a “racist”. If you do this with groups of people based on the date they were born it’s cool, though.

Every generation is worse than the one before it

Overheard 300,000 BC: “In my day we didn’t have ‘spears’. We beat mammoths to death with clubs like real men”.

Overheard in 430 BC: “I don’t get what’s so great about this ‘Parthenon’ all the kids are talking about. My dad built a huge pyramid and died inside of it like a real man”.

Overheard in 1350 AD: *crickets* (everyone died by the plague like real men)

The point is, you’re at the wrong end of a river that’s been poisoned by all the innovation and nostalgia of every generation before you. Your only option is to suck it up until there’s a younger generation to whine about. Now quit twerking and start working!

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7 thoughts on “Unsolicited Condescending Advice for Millennials

    • Personally I’d agree with you, I don’t have much in common with 15 year olds these days. But (according to wikipedia) many sources consider people born even into the early 2000’s to be Millennials. I’d also argue that not having the perspective to accurately define birthdates for a generation further validates my position.

  1. I have a 15 year old son, know many young people that fall in the described time period and can say this about them – I love them! They are smarter about the world at large than I was at their age (and even now), they refuse to be labeled or to label others, they (like every generation born) believe they can change the world and I am so excited to cheer them on.

  2. You know, it’s really rather sad to see how some things never change. I hated generalized comments directed towards me when I was in my 20’s and I hate seeing them directed towards 20-somethings now. Sadly, it seems that not everyone has thought, “Gee, it really sucks to be lumped in with a group of everyone within about ten years of my own age and hear obnoxious comments about who I am and how I think by someone who doesn’t even know me. You can bet when I get to be that age, I’m going to spare the ‘kids today’ my ‘inherent wisdom’.” That’s really too bad.

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